Innuendo

It has been a good night.

And so- goodnight.

“Blend and balance

pain and comfort deep within you

’till you will not want me

any other way.”

Tool - Stinkfist

So the shockwaves have died away, and the silence after the devastation. The silence brought peace and clarity of vision, and I acted to preserve it as best I could- but you can’t. The security that came from that zen-like calm is gone, and now I have to do the work.

But things are not the same as they were.

The other day I stumbled. Hell- I failed. I was in the middle of a conversation, following my instincts, being myself, being in the monment- and when I encountered a sign of resistance I-

I backed down. For no reason.

Again.

The situation does not matter, nor do the rationalizations. They never do. I was furious- and as such, something finally gave. Something which had to give finally did. But that was inevitable, and as such does not really matter right now. What matters is this:

I stayed furious.

And the necxt morning I was raging- so angry I woke myself up. I was not angry at the person, or the situation- I was angry at myself. And that anger did not fade until I understood exactly what I had done, and looked at it squarely. It was not going to let me hide, or bury it, or accept it as inevitable, or blame anyone else.

No hiding place. Nothing to do, no way to calm myself but accept it, understand it- and be utterly unsatisfied with that degree of failure, but turn it into drive.

I look at this and wonder: Is this the genie out of the bottle? I see no way to put it back in, even if I wanted to.

It is the start of something- I only know this because there is no way to turn back.

More important: I don’t know where this leads, or if it’s a good thing. All I know is:

I will not ever turn back.

Right.

I’m done.

Things are in motion- great  leviathans, moving slowly around me. I

can’t see them- just feel the water pressure changing. Ponderous, massive, but

fluid. It’s a place of launch windows, of quantum physics.

I dreamed about a window the other night. I got too close, realized I could

fall, and backed away.

Hashi Lebwohl would call this a quantum junction, or somesuch. Events

proceed, they move. but one can either tell where one is, or where one is going.

Quantum particles, on the macro scale of personal- even metaphysical dynamics.

The volume has been turned up. People are hearing me who I did not mean to

call. And I am no longer in the eye of the hurricane- now I get to tumble with

everybody else. Oddly enough- that’s good.

I was thinking about my friend

Sierra.

Sierra served in my house for a time, and had come to NY from the wilds of NJ

to seek Estate training. She began a short term personal contact with me, and

moved in. Things with Zoe were already drawing towards their inevitable end…

entropy was increasing. The center could not hold. I had stopped really caring,

and just let the downward spiral continue. This was the environment that Sierra

had entered, and it took it’s toll. My energy was low, my resources drained. I

was unable to provide for Sierra the environment I had committed to.

I learned a lot from that time. Sierra and I turned out to be better friends

and roomates than Sir and servant; and I gained an important person in my life.

So did my friend

Little H (Rizzo), and I have come to feel that my household was a launch

window for Sierra, rather than a destination. I regret my inability to be what I

should have been, but I don’t regret how it turned out. I see how she’s doing

here in NY, and I’m proud I was a part of it’s coming to be.

I am not proud of my stumbling- and am never making those mistakes again. And

her website rocks.

Ungodly offensive.

Nothing really starts anywhere – you just grab a thread where you find it and

pull as long as you are able. The threads don’t end- you just stop being part of

the weave. But for purposes of The Monster and it’s dancing, we’ll start with

Sierra.

I spent a lot of really good time with Sierra in my house. Maybe better than

she is aware of. Unless her socks were wet. She turns into a cranky bitch when

her socks were wet. But I digress. Among other things, Sierra knew how to

listen, and I never had to try to teach her. Unless she had three beers. Or her

socks were wet. But again, I digress.

Among other things, Sierra turned me on to Everclear. Two songs have been

slamming through my head pretty consistently as of late. They tell me where I

am, or where I’m going. But never both. 

"Don”t Fall Down".

A reminder.

"Don’t fall down now, you will never get up."

The time for such luxuries is past. Events are moving.

Where I am.

"One Hit Wonder"

"He knows if he ever ever gets to try, he’ll bite down hard to make the

monster cry."

He knows if he ever ever gets the chance, he’ll sell his soul to make the

monster dance"

Where I’m going.

Massive shapes are moving, windows are opening.

In my dream, I went to the window, and was afraid I would fall.

Then as I was backing off, I became aware that I was afraid for no reason. I was

dreaming. If I chose, I could fly. Lucid dreaming- I’ve done it before,

especially during metaphysical spike points- and this is the biggest one of

those I have ever had.

I attempted to return to the window, to take the invitation.

It was too late. I missed it.

I have been warned.

I don’t want to miss another. I have made some sacrifices to get this far,

I’ll make more.

We are so close to our shot that we are living in The Monster’s shadow.

Metaphysically. Financially. The business, the Estate, my life, my passions. For

the first time, my goals.

There are people behind me now. Pushing. Since the Property, my whole life

has changed, and I am part of it- not watching it go by. I’ve never had to walk

the high wire before- it was easier to just drop, because once you were on the

bottom, there was no place to fall. The broadcast power has been upped, the ante

with it.

Now I want.

And I will not miss my chance. 

I’ve been warned. I know where I am. I know where I need to go. Now I need to

know how to get there, and have the guts to cover that distance… to brave the

window when it comes again.

To the three witches in this play- the boy, the beggar child and the swamp

witch – thank you.  To Sierra, sister, friend and confidante- thank you. To

Tink, all carnival glass and hammers- thank you.  To Zoe- thank you as

well. I learned … a lot. To Soulhuntre

and Sir C: Let’s ride.

"He knows if he ever ever gets to try, he’ll bite down hard to make the

monster cry."

He knows if he ever ever gets the chance, he’ll sell his soul to make the

monster dance.

They cannot hurt you unless you let them"

-Everclear "One Hit Wonder"