Innuendo

I gave my presentation on Voice and Inflection at TES last night. It went splendidly. Much better than I could have expected. 50+ person turnout, with a minimum of numbnuts. Great audience response, good interaction, and a few helpful people in the crowd to intimidate to make a point otr two.

I thought of my friend Jester, and wished he’d been there- he’s always had an eye for- and appreciation of- the tricks and tools I’ve used. I think he would have had a great time, and I could almost hear him laughing in the crowd. When I spoke, I was vividly reminded of times and people whose absence I still feel keenly, and of the secret language of twins. I could feel moments I had shared with them flickering through my teeth like a serpent’s tongue, and I shared a little of the poison scorpions trade when mating.

Not more then they could handle. Not even close to the truth of it all- but just a taste; and a taste is really nothing at all. My animal was in attendance, and others were just as present- in what I said, in what I shared, in what I’ve learned.

I received this from someone I did not previously know. I found it absurdly flattering- so naturally, I have to post it here. My vanity demands no less:

A Lesson about gender

multiple genders.

There was one other thing which is worth noting. Social dynamics were surging and straining all around me. Anger is beginning to surface, and things will have to get worse before they get better. But during all this, one person showed me yet again that he has his heart in the right place, that he’s someone I can count on. Almost makes a guy want to enlist in the Kiss Army. Almost.

Thank you, Pete.

Love Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms

but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,

risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you with knowing how, or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

-Neruda

It smells of cheap wine and cigarettes/

Sometimes I think I’d like to watch it burn.

The Wallflowers One Headlight

Tonight I go to present on Voice and Inflection at TES. There’s really only one thing to be said on the topic- it’s the same thing that matters when you talk about D/s or S/m or any of the sacraments. I can’t just say it to the crowd. They won’t get it. They don’t have the decoder ring.

I was once asked about knife play… the guy asking has been around forever, 30+ years. Sweet guy. But he and I are not the same species, never will be, Never have been. He commented that “If you are with a partner and trust them with a knife, how can you really be afraid of them with a knife? How can you make them afraid?”

I looked at him and gave him the only truth in all of this, the only truth I have found to matter, the fact that differentiates status quo from sacrament:

“You have to mean it.”

He did not get it.

They never do.

“You can turn your back on a person… but never turn your back on a drug. Especially when it’s waving a razor sharp hunting knife in your eye.”

HST – Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Here…

Trouble…

-HHH Entrance music

I post here often when I am working things out, or overwhelmed by some feeling or another. Sometimes I try to be funny, when I am in a good mood. It has been pointed out to me that often Innuendo is “dark and obtuse”. (Actually, I kind of like that.) But that often I do not come across as … positive.

I know at least one person who reads here hoping that my sky is falling at last. Like my own phantom Chicken Little of Doom, she clucks, pecks and scratches hoping that “karma will finally work fast enough” for her. I suppose whan that happens, milk and honey will run like… well, milk and honey (Dosen’t that get messy?). It will rain gold coins and dollar bills, all will be right with the world, joy and happiness will prevail, the scales of injsutice will finally balance in her favor, and the earth will crack open and swallow me. The righteous will ascend in some kind of Flying-saucer-winnebago-Rapture, forever and ever, world without end, allelujia. Everybody gets a cookie. Hooray. Great rejoicing.

But until then, it’s time to post about how good things can be.
Read the rest of this entry »

“This is my family. I found it myself. It is little. And broken. But still good. Yah, still good.”

- Stitch

“Ownership -she thought, glancing back at him – weren’t there those who knew nothing of it’s nature and doubted it’s reality? No, it was not made of papers, seals, grants and permissions. There it was – in his eyes.”

- Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

All my strength/

And start again…

Offspring, Defy You

I can never repay you, Bev.

Thank you.

“Forever in debt for your priceless advice.”

Nirvana – Heart Shaped Box

One night, lightning struck the oak tree. Eddie saw it the next morning. It lay broken in half, and he looked into the trunk as into the mouth of a black tunnel. The trunk was only an empty shell; it’s heart had rotted away long ago; there was nothing inside- just a thin gray dust that was being dispersed by the whim of the faintest wind. The living power had gone, and the shape it had left had not been able to stand without it. “

Ayn Rand - Atlas Shrugged (Part One: Non- Contradiction)

First, there’s this. Unrelated, but it made me very happy.

Maybe not so unrelated. One of my favorite stories is called Murder Mysteries, by Neil Gaimian. It’s about a murder in Heaven, and the angel assigned to solve it, and his fall. This angel, our narrator, is no longer allowed to speak with God by the end- but he tells us, should we see Him, to tell Him “I’m still here. And I’m still doing my job.”

Bad Penny. Monkey Paw. You can’t ever read the fine print close enough. Hell, you never get to see the contract. You are what you are, you get what you want, and pay for it. Everybody pays. And what you buy- you get to keep forever. You, me, everybody. I spend a lot of time alone- and now I realize that I may never be alone again. Prayers for rain and dreams of candy.

So I look to my Mother, and say the one thing that makes any sense to me; the only thing which redeems:

I’m still here… and I’m still doing my job.

I’ll never marry. It’s not permanent enough.

And there’s not enough salvation to go around.

“There is a Devil in every story of Mr. Punch. Only sometimes he’s hard to find.”

Neil Gaiman – Mr. Punch

“Go on, take everything, take everything, I want you to.”

- Hole